Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize