Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
