last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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