I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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