shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
