you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What a dumb baby whore.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
