My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
