hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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