got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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