god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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