Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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