when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
