apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
