You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize