well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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