He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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