hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize