After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
