gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
