I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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