How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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