Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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