Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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