"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
