i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
