I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My brain says no but my pants say off.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
