Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
