I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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