Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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