I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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