She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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