My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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