I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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