saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
