I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
