I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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