Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
