So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
