Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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