we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
