Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
