My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
