please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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