there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
