Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
