i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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