im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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