Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
