What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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