break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
