the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Vodka?
Forever.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
