I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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