You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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