Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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