college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
