True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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