my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
