dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
