Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
