I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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