i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
