Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
