hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
