"it" just moved
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
