How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
