I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
