im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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