tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
