I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
